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Saturday, January 10, 2009

Kosong

ah, kosong nya dunia.

bila mana internet sudah tidak menarik, bila wang saku sudah kering, bila kawan tidak boleh cheer you up, bila kekasih hati sudah tiada, bila tidak rajin menelefon Si Orang Kampung dan bila rimas sebab tak mandi. ini lah yang terjadi.

aku tak tahu aku sedang alami proses tumbesaran ke penuaan ke apa ka, yang aku tahu aku makin lama makin jauh dari diri aku yang dulu. yes, people changed. tapi sekarang aku berasa macam di awang-awangan saja. eceh.

aku tak tahu apa dah tujuan aku sekarang. hidup macam tak terurus dan tak tenteram. it is more to emosional or jiwa things. dalaman aku yang berasa kosong. adakah aku perlu mencari teman sekarang? wink wink.

maaf, belum bersedia.

ironi nya aku sekarang memang macam sedang mencari, dan bila dah agak-agak dapat akan aku lepaskan balik. kenapa? not so sure. adakah aku player? naah, tak mungkin. aku tak akan mengaku sampai bila-bila pun status tersebut. scandalicious mungkin boleh diterima. ahaks.

well, sekarang masih awal lagi, aku masih muda dan berjiwa remaja [walaupun a lil bit old-fashioned, tapi still nak mengaku aku muda dan remaja, yeah, rock] dan masih tidak punya apa-apa. apatah lagi aku baru sahaja memegang title student, again and Si Emak already give me a big No No for coupling or even scandal [tu pun kalau Si Emak paham]. if she only know the truth about me being here and there with non mahram, i can`t imagine what the reaction would be.

yep, Si Emak is kinda typical Malay woman, no this and no that and etc. but i`m used to it and i understand the reason, even a lil bit late. i`m sorry Si Emak for not noticing it earlier.

still remember, when i was deeply in miserable a few years back. jiwa sangat broken down, no where else to turn to [told you, my parents won`t allowed it if they know the problem is about cintan things] but, no matter what, i called Si Ayah, thought it would make me feel better after hearing their voice. at that time, i still don`t wanna tell them nothing. not about my stupid feelings and not about my foolish cintan things, just wanna loose the tense and thought it might cheer me up a little after what i`ve been through.

at first it do making me feel a lot better, but suddenly feel like i wanna share it out. i wanna they know about my feeling, my heart is broken and i`m down. i need them as soon as i can and i need them really bad.

i started to cried out loud when i talked to Si Emak, i told Si Emak everything, about how i`m being such a fool of not listening to her earlier and how could i fall in love with some bangsawan-yang-tak-setaraf and how i`m reacting towards his engagement. oh, it makes me feel like hell.

ugh, pathetic.

Si Emak just chuckled and said calmly, "things do happen dear. i`ve been through this before, when your grandma didn`t accept my ex-fiance, and we must call the engagement off, felt like the world is falling apart. but look at me now. i`m here, alive and happy with your father, just stay calm dear. forget him and i`m sure you`ll find someone that lots lots better than him".

oh, Si Emak.. by that time, i felt like i wanna rush to her and hug her tight. i wanna cry in her shoulder. and said i was so sorry for not telling her earlier, because i know she would be mad at me if i did. now that they already know, i feel like a huge burden have been removed from my chest. i`m relieved. Thanks God.

what touches me the most is when Si Emak revealed about her past. i didn`t know about it before, i bet Si Satu and Si Dua also didn`t know.

now that i put it in here, everybody will knows, including my silent reader out there. syhhh, keep it as a secret will ya? just you and me. thank you. really appreciate that.

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